Summer 2013: Sample of Satire for Application to The Black Sheep

Replacement for Lost Alma Mater Unveiled Soon

The Alma Mater was reported missing on Monday, August 5^th. The head of security at the Conservation of Sculpture and Objects Studio refused to comment on the break-in and theft of the iconic statue, but one of the artists working on its restoration shared some key details. Jonathan Ducci found the workshop empty when he arrived to work on August 5^th. “I was shocked,” Ducci said, glancing at the clean patch on the dusty floor where the Alma Mater had been. “The spare key was exactly where I left it under the welcome mat, so I don’t know how they could have gotten in.”

The investigation led Detective Michael Faltesek of the Chicago Police Department to Belmont Harbor, where he discovered on August 7^th that the Alma Mater was taken out of Chicago on the large yacht, Faloma. “The vessel’s GPS unit,” Faltesek said, “was found abandoned on an inflated raft seven miles offshore with a note that only said ‘I-L-L.’” Detective Faltesek went on to explain that a mayday received during a heavy storm from a vessel suspected of being the Faloma lost contact in under a minute. Chicago PD believe that the sunken yacht and its stolen cargo could be anywhere within 100 miles of Chicago.

Under the advice of Faltesek and the Chicago PD, University of Illinois President Robert A. Easter immediately began the process of choosing a new figure of importance to put on the Alma Mater’s marble plinth. “It’s really very exciting,” he said of the unexpected decision before him. “See, the Alma Mater has been a focal point of Illinois tradition for decades, and the finding the right figure to replace her is extremely important. Whoever takes Alma Mater’s place has to honor the University’s history and embrace the new world of the 21^st century.”

Easter turned to the Pacific Northwest for inspiration. The University of Oregon is currently the only school to have the image of a Disney character licensed as their official mascot. Easter contacted DreamWorks about erecting a likeness of one of its characters at University of Illinois. After a month of negotiations, DreamWorks granted the University license to use Shrek’s noble steed, Donkey, for its new landmark statue.

“Donkey is perfect,” Easter said. “He is everything that we are looking for- a modern character from a classic film studio that wanted to move forward representing a top-notch research university that has lead the progress of a wide variety of fields since 1867.” Easter seemed pleased that his choice bore a resemblance to the talking donkey in the Old Testament, but when asked why an animated character should be the face of a university that has no film production program, he changed the subject. “I am very excited about the statue’s design. A ten-foot-tall Donkey will be rearing on his hind legs, a bouquet of blue flowers with red thorns between his teeth, and flanked by two of his winged half-dragon foals with flags bearing the words Labor and Learning.”

The rumor that Eddie Murphy will unveil Donkey this fall is still unconfirmed, but the Republican Illini have promised to hold a protest at the unveiling unless the University of Illinois will also erect a statue of Dr. Seuss’s elephant, Horton.